You’re invited to a sober party. Right away, you pretty much know who – or I should say what – you’re going to encounter. You might not even know the party-thrower’s other guests, personally but, you know what to expect: the classic types of people who will be there. Here’s a list of the 10 people at every sober party.
The Drama Queen
Despite the name, this person can be either a guy or girl. The Drama Queen is usually having an over-the-top conversation on their phone that is loud enough for others to hear. Most likely, the conversation is with a current or ex-boy/girlfriend or maybe even a parent. The Drama Queen is not at all embarrassed about airing their dirty laundry and, in fact, enjoys the attention (they think) they’re getting while having their annoyingly loud and utterly melodramatic conversation.
The Pet Whisperer
This person might make the rounds greeting those at the party or at the most, greet the host of the party, before seeking out the household cat, dog, or ferret and pretty much spend the entire evening talking to it rather than to other people.
The Cool Guy/Girl
This person shows up fashionably late and only stays for about an hour (if that) because well, they’re just that cool. They’re coming from some other function and only passing through on their way to the next item on their social agenda. But, they were humble enough to grace your party with their presence.
The Reclusive Roommate
Most sober households consist of 2 or more roommates and pretty much every sober party has the typical, “I’m gonna stay in my room and sulk” roomie who is committed to not having a good time while their roommate hosts a party in their shared living space. The reclusive roommate might even venture out of their room to come get a drink or a few snacks before stealing away to their room again. They might even exchange a few greetings while out of their hole but, their intention is to make it known they are home even though they’re not participating in the party.
Like, why come to a party if you’re only gonna hang out with each other? Seriously, The Couple are most likely ‘newlyweds’ meaning, they’re in that oh-so-annoying honeymoon phase where they can’t seem to be apart for even a few moments.
Generally harmless, until a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend starts feeling some kind of way when they see The Flirt chatting up their significant other. At a sober party, the Flirt is less of a threat because there’s no alcohol or other drugs at play, lowering people’s inhibitions and causing bad decision-making. However, even without substances, this person can still do some damage.
The Social Butterfly
This type makes it their goal of the night to talk, or at least greet everyone. They come in like a whirlwind and make the rounds. The Social Butterfly is generally a good-natured type that just wants to make sure that they get a chance to at the very least, acknowledge everyone’s presence. They might seem flighty or seem like they’re not really listening while spending 4 minutes – tops – with your before flitting over to the next person.
The Sponge sucks up your time, attention, and energy while vomiting (figuratively) all over you about their ex, their health problems, etc. This person corners you with conversation but doesn’t let you get a word in. Be careful, the whole party might come and go while you’re stuck playing therapist to this neurotic and overbearing-type.
The Social Networker
Whether texting rapid-fire or posting everything that happens at the party to Facebook or Instagram, this person is like the party reporter. By being so preoccupied with taking photos and posting them with the ridiculous string of hashtags, this sober party person doesn’t realize that they’re actually missing out on the party and connecting with people.
This person thinks they are the life of the party. They are an attention-seeker who loves to be the center of attention. They are probably cracking jokes – all the usual, current bits of humor – as seen/heard on TV sitcoms and movies – nothing really original or anecdotal. This person is pretty harmless although somewhat grating. It’s best not to encourage them; you’ll create a monster. If you or someone you love is struggling with substance abuse or addiction, please call toll-free 1-800-951-6135.