Here it is again, folks, your latest edition of crazy news of the week. Oddly enough (not really) all these stories take place in Florida and also some kind of substances (allegedly).
#1. Man Arrested For Cocaine Possession Thought Drug ‘Wasn’t Illegal In Florida’
Guy Lanchester, 46, was arrested Sunday for possession of cocaine. Lanchester told police in Key West that he thought “cocaine wasn’t illegal in Florida.” Other than possession, he was also charged with felony tampering with evidence.
In case you didn’t know, like Mr. Lanchester claimed, cocaine is very much illegal, not only in Florida but also the rest of the United States. Cocaine remains to be a schedule II substance under the Controlled Substances Act.
#2. Man Returns Used Enemas
According to federal prosecutors, Jacksonville, FL resident Ronald Robinson returned enemas – that he had used – to the pharmacy from which he bought them. Unfortunately, employees at the store had already re-sold the items to other patrons before realizing that the products had, in fact been “tampered with.” If convicted, Robinson could be imprisoned for 10 years. EW!
Just because this is so fitting for numbers 2 and 3 but, mostly #2 (get it???)
#3. Naked Carnie Masturbates, Poops, and Vandalizes Home
Ft. Myers, FL – 7 PM Monday, a couple was in their bedroom when they heard a noise that sounded like thunder. When the homeowners went outside to investigate, they say a naked man on their roof. Gregory Matthew Bruni, 21, then jumped down and allegedly assaulted the male homeowner, knocking him to the ground. Bruni then trashed the couple’s home: he pulled a big-screen TV off the wall and purposely spilled the contents of a vacuum onto the floor.
He then defecated and masturbated inside the house. EW!
Arriving deputies reported that Bruni was wildly flailing around and speaking nonsensically.
Bruni was taken into custody and escorted to a hospital for evaluation, where doctors reportedly planned to determine “what Bruni was on.”
Bruni has been charged with criminal mischief, battery, occupied burglary and resisting arrest without violence.
#4. Illicit Manatee Riding
Someone captured a photo that showed a woman – later identified as Ana Gloria Garcia Gutierrez, 52 of St. Petersburg, FL – riding on the back of a manatee. This is a misdemeanor that is considered to be in violation of the Florida Manatee Sanctuary Act, which states that it is illegal to “annoy, molest, harass, or disturb or attempt to molest, harass, or disturb any Manatee” whether “intentionally or negligently.”
Officials later determined that, because it did not occur in the deputy’s presence, the act did not warrant arrest.
#5. Man Wields Machete as Ultimate Pick Up Line
Jony Jesus Saravia, 26 of Davie, FL, was kicked out of a bar for allegedly harassing female customers only to return with a back-up plan to his failed attempt at spittin’ game.
Officers said that Saravia returned with a machete and proceeded to jump on the bar while waving said machete.
A Davie man was nursing head wounds behind bars following a bar fight where he was accused of swinging a machete at patrons, police said. Initially, Saravia told Davie Fire Rescue that he had been jumped and beaten. Authorities later learned that his wounds were really due to bar patrons throwing bar stools at him while others used pool cues to try to knock the machete from his hand.
He was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Broward Judge John “Jay” Hurley set bond at $15,000 citing the level of violence as a factor in his decision.
If you or someone you love is struggling with substance abuse or addiction, please call toll-free 1-800-951-6135.